Glorious Sunshine

Today is a day for a brainless post. No thinking required. Just thoughts... and sunshine... and a computer...

Oh glorious day. Glorious sunshine. It warms me right down to my very cold little soul. I really didn't realize how affected I am by the weather until now. I enjoy snow well enough. I don't mind having to wear layers and 3 pairs of socks. However... I HATE BEING COLD. Most desperately do I deplore the act of not being warm. It's dreadful and sometimes physically painful. But the warmth... the soft rays of the sun filtering through the trees, or the strong beams of light beating brilliantly on the water or even pavement. How bold and daring. How playful and inquisitive is light. It peeps into the darkest space and illuminates even the deepest crevice. Sunlight. An analogy for all that is good and right in the world. It figuratively feeds the soul and literately feeds and nourishes our skin, brain cells, and entire being. The more New England winters I endure, and the more New England summers I experience, the more I believe that I am becoming addicted to sunshine. Maybe I'll start a cult. (I'm kidding... no cult followers please... I DIDN'T MEAN IT! )

Laying in the sunshine. Feeling the warmth on my face and the grass in my fingers. What can be more wonderful? A slight breeze, birds flying overhead. I can hear someone walking by but I don't bother to acknowledge their presence. I am soaking up all the sunshine I can. Humanity can wait.

What is it about the sun that brightens any mood? A sour face can be turned around by a sunny day and blue sky. What is it about a pleasantly warm day that makes me want to run? Why does the soft warm breeze make me want to sing? Why does a green tree, whether in bloom or not, seem to be God smiling at me?

Oh goodness I love the sun. I left the sunshine state for Boston. I said good bye to almost constant sunny 80+ degrees, and moved to 40 (or below) and rainy? What I'll do for a good education with professors I love... For Grad school... I'm going to Hawaii.

photo found on http://www.collective-evolution.com/2011/06/10/sun-is-here-which-sunscreen-products-to-avoid/sunny-day/, via google images 

Word Benders

Do you remember playing the game "telephone" in elementary or middle school? You know... where all your friends sit in a circle and one of you whispers something in the ear of the person closest, that person whispers it to the person next to them, so on and so on until it get's back to the first child. Good times, no? Well the words we use in the real world are like that. What I say (or more correctly, what I mean) will be twisted and deformed by those around me.

No, it's not cruel, and no it's not horrible. It's life.

For instance... if I say the word.... "emu", what is the first thing that comes to mind? For me, I think of my cousin and a green leafy vegetable called kale. Strange yes, but my thoughts dictate how I use the word, and how I associate it with other words. You probably don't think of my cousin when you hear the word emu and you most definitely don't think of green leafy vegetables. Whatever thoughts you associate with emus will affect how you think of the word, and how you process any sentence that contains that word.

(I apologize for the poor analogy, but bear with me. I am tired and emu was the best I could think of)

Words are meant to be bent. Words change meaning depending on who hears them and how the speaker says them. Tone is everything you know. My mum always says "it's not what you say but how you say it". My words, when interpreted by you, take on new meaning and representation. My words are no longer just my own. They no longer are just my fabrication. They consume your interpretation and perspective and turn into a new creation.

Beautiful? Astounding? Frightening? Yes. It is.

Words that don't just mean what you think they do. Words that collect new meanings like a wet dog collects dirt, or a fat kid collects candy. Well... actually skinny kids collect candy too so never mind.

Isn't is sort of frightening that words change depending on who we tell them to? When I say something (most of the time) I have a distinct meaning in mind. When you hear my words, your brain hears what I say, but you interpret it as something different than what I originally meant. Mind blowing! Basically, nothing that I say can ever truly be understood by another human being. To understand what I truly mean when I say something, someone would have to know every single circumstance of my life, every single thought, and every single part that made my brain work, and have their brain work in the exact same way.

WOW! That is quite complicated. It does explain why clear communication is such a difficult thing to obtain. We use the word empathy to describe seeing a situation through a specific person's eyes. Is it even possible for us to ever be truly empathetic? I wonder...

Words are beautiful. They can cause us to yearn for greater things, or to sink in to depths. Words offend, words compliment. Words express and words cover up. Words are complicated and simple. Words words words.

Vapid for instance is a wonderful word. It means dreadfully boring and dull but it sounds quite fancy smancy and complimentary. Logodaedaly is the art of playing with words. Now that is a marvelous word my friends. That is a word of wonders.

Words change meaning and the same words can have different meanings. Night, knight, know, no, steel, steal, meat, meet, so many possibilities for confusion. Words are the beautiful threads by which humanity communicates. Words are confusing and complicated and absolutely marvelous. Don't let a world where words have possibilities unimagined by us poor simple humans scare you. Choose your words carefully and never say anything you'll later regret. Live live to the fullest potential. Study your dictionary and than throw it out and create your own words where only you know the real meaning. Delight in words and delight in life.

p.s. Omphaloskepsis
    teheheh. it means meditation on one's bellybutton! now that's a word!

The Contradictions of a Complete Life

Warning, when I am tired (as I am now) and I write things, they tend to get a philosophical, slightly goofy tint, so bear with my rambling and just read on.

Life can be so randomly beautiful. Sharp rays of sunshine, pouring through a dusty window into a empty room. One red leaf, perfectly encased in ice on a side walk. A small child slipping their hand into yours, trusting you to protect their world. A smile caused by a chipmunk sighting (hey... they are one of the most exciting woodland creatures... ), or spotting a favorite children's book up on a shelf. There are so many precious moments in life, filled with beauty, depth, insight, purity, innocence, and even perfect silence. Most moments go by unnoticed. Most come and go with out anyone giving a second thought.

Look at the world around us. Find the innocence of a life untouched by the pain and suffering that we bring upon our selves with age and so called "maturity". Maturity. It's an over used and rarely understood term. Maturity does not necessarily come with age. It comes with experience. It comes with seeing the world as bigger than your self and being willing to look to others for answers and advice. Maturity is a good thing, but it also changes the way we view the world.

Tennyson said in his poem In Memoriam "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.' Tennyson was right, but I almost hate him for it. The beauty of life comes out after we have suffered and have healed. I think life's pleasures would not be as sweet, if we had not experienced pain. Its a sad sort of necessity. A key to living life to the fullest that only time and experience can give.

Life is funky. It is full of great joy and great pain. We have all had at least one moment of pure happiness, and at least one moment where we saw no hope. Sometimes things can be so beautiful that it hurts. Something so good, that our little hearts just can't take it. Such is the life of a human.

Beauty and pain. Inseparable emotions. Maturity and innocence. contradictions?

It's The End of the World As We Know It

Some people said that on May 21st at pm, the world was going to end. Supposedly Christ was coming back and the world is going to cease to exist. This horrifying and yet slightly entertaining statement both terrifies and delights me. I know where I am going when I die so I'm not exactly worried about that and since I don't think the tribulation time has already come and this is the second coming, I think that even if I missed something and wasn't taken up to heaven this time, I'd get another chance later. However, I am hardly ever this rational when I am freaking out.

Sadly it just doesn't work that way for me. Yes I am secure and confident in my faith, and yes I know that thousands of people all over the world have theories about the end of the world, and yes I know that eventually the world will end. But is it so terrible of me to not want it to end now? It's not even that I want more out of life. I wouldn't be upset that I didn't get to grow up and get married (ok... I'd be a smidge upset) or have kids, or see the world. I'm more upset by the fact that I won't know when or why or what to expect. I can't prepare or get in a good frame of mind. It's out of my hands and it scares me to death. Not to say I'm a control freak, but when it comes to big things such as a cross country move or the end of humanity as we know it, I like to be prepared.

Darn those people who start all these rumors and cause so much terror. Darn those 2010 movies, and that family who bought everything they ever wanted with one of those pay-after-one-year-has-gone-by plans,  thinking that in one year, the world would end. People blame the Aztecs. science, global warming, God, sin, and so many things. For goodness sakes, the Aztec's probably just ran out of rock. I mean they wrote it in what, 200 B.C.E? They probably just got tired of writing a calendar thousands of years in advance. Maybe their arms got cramps from the hammer and chisel so they took a break and forgot to finish. Maybe the rock was suppose to be bigger but someone broke it. Maybe they just wanted to send future generations into terror. Just blame all the 2012 hype on the Aztecs.Their dead and gone anyway.

Conclusion: The Aztec's did it.

Free Will and Sheer Determination

The concept of free will completely boggles my mind. So many great thinkers, wise men, and just plain cool people have spent hours dwelling on the subject. There are countless books written on free will by theologians and philosophers, and little old me just really doesn’t know what to think about it. Personally, I’d like to think that I have the ability to control my own life, but maybe it's just my own selfish desires controlling my thoughts. However, part of me wants desperately not to be in control. How much easier would it be if everything that happens has nothing to do with me, if I could pass the blame of a messy life onto some other being? *issuing huge sigh of relief*

Do I want free will? Do I want the power of making decisions that alter my life in ways that i can't even understand? Do I really want to hold the responsibility of my life in my fragile, sin wrought, shaky hands? Life is a huge responsibility. One I'm not sure I am ready for or even want.

Of course, not being in charge can be almost as scary as being in charge. Do I really want to leave my life up to someone else? Even if that someone else is God? Can I bear to let go of my desires and asinine desire for independence? Is the potential of a life controlled by a loving and all powerful God, worth the cost of giving up control?

Granted, on this I don't' really have much of a choice. If God is in control, there's not much I can do about it. I could rebel and make lots of stupid decisions, but even then my life would still be guided by God. Maybe I don’t get free will. Maybe my life is predetermined by Gods' supreme will and I have no say in what happens. Maybe free will is not my choice. Maybe free will is an assigned choice. Maybe free will isn’t free.

Are we assigned free will? Does God choose for us whether we have free will or not? Doesn’t that remove our freedom if free will is chosen for us?

This is tiring talk. It seems to be going in a large circle like shape. Free will, if assigned, is not ultimately free. Free will does not simply exist, it has to be given. It has to have a point of origin, and that origin point (whatever or whoever you think is in control of that) demonstrates that in essence, free will is not free. That being said, once we have been given free will, aren't the decisions made afterward solely our own?

I have a friend who believes with all their heart, that if we have enough faith, what we desire will happen. This friend believes that faith and the power of believing can change the course of events. In a way, isn't this "people power" overriding Gods' supreme will? What about Gods' influence on earth? Doesn't God have a say in how his creation acts? Is he merely an abstract creator God who spent a week making people and this amazing complex world, and than said "Good luck mankind. Have at it" ? If this perfect caring God created this world out of love for us, don't you think we'd probably want his opinion and help? I know I do.

I might have free will. I might not be solely in control of my own life.There is really no way to tell. My pure belief and sheer determination might grant me many blessings, some of which happen to coincide with Gods supreme will, but whether it is a happy coincidence or God's will blurring out mine, I will never know. People often say things like "I'm going to ask God about (fill in the blank) when I get to heaven. I say that when I get to heaven, the last think I will be thinking about is free will, and my power vs. God's power. My thoughts are most likely going to run more like "OH MY GOODNESS HEAVEN IS AMAZING! OH MY GOODNESS THAT'S GOD OVER THERE. OH MY GOODNESS I WONDER IF CLOUDS TASTE LIKE COTTON CANDY) just a thought. :)

I think I shall deny free will. I think I'll give the gift back. Its probably returnable. I don't know anyone who as tried. There's always a first for everything, no?

My Theory of life. Well, one of them...

Theory: Life is super simple. Eat, breathe, sleep for a few hours every now and then.

Life is not complicated, people are complicated. People have emotions and opinions and random streams of energy or depression. We don't makes sense even to our selves. Guys think girls are the most complicated things on earth, and girls just think that guys are clueless. Everyone has happy moments and sad moments. Times when we love life, and times when we think the world is out to get us. It's tiring having to keep up with who is feeling what and even just trying to figure out what we are feeling and how to deal with it. People are tiring. Some, more than others, but all of confusing just the same.

Why do we humans feel the necessity to view everything on a positive scale? Isn't honesty sometimes more important than "happiness" or "cheer"? Why when you get on airplane, does the stressed and sleep deprived flight attendant wearing the uncomfortable polyester suit always smile and say "Have a great flight"? They always ignore the fact that there is a possibility that you could die. That something might go wrong and you might blow up midair. I think they should say "Welcome on board, sit back and enjoy the flight. You'll probably make it". I mean, isn't that true? The chance of you arriving at your destination safely is VERY high. Is it because people are afraid of the "what ifs' in life? Do we live our lives, held back because of what could happen? How depressing. In that sense, our positive tint on life is probably a negative thing.

 If we live our lives in fear of the dangers that could be, won't we miss out of the beautiful bits that could occur, if only we left our fears behind? Life is scary sometimes. Sometimes, things the sun will constantly shine, and sometimes the clouds dwell overhead. Sometimes, things are going to tear your heart in two, and sometimes your heart is going to burst from joy. The more restrictions we put on our ability to be realistic, but still positive and honest (especially with our selves) the more chance we have of living a life of beautiful moments. The best things that happen in life all include taking risks. Stepping off the bus that first day of middle school. Going on your first date. Trusting your friend when they ask to borrow your very favorite possession. Finding love. Making new friends and/or moving to a new place. The things where we have the greatest risk of getting hurt are the things with the greatest reward in the long run. Trusting is complicated. It goes with the whole "people are complicated" thing.  As humans, we are amazingly capable of convincing ourselves of things. This can be quite good, or quite awful. We can convince our selves of fears that have no grounding, of potential risks that have a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of coming to fulfillment, and basically all sorts of rubbish. However hard it may be to trust, however hard to release control and just let things unfurl, the benefit is always nothing short of 100 times more beautiful than the initial pain. Even if things don't turn out just as you had thought or planned, lessons were learned and you are one step further on your path.

I've heard it described that we each are on this one road. There are pretty side streets and dark ally ways and all sorts of little paths and trails stemming off from the main road that can distract us. All sort of distractions and false indicators can cause us to get off the main path (the right path) and go down the wrong path. Frankly, I don't like that description of life. I think even the so called "wrong" steps we make are still moving us forward on our path. We can't take steps back. Only forward. We might step forward into mud, or quicksand, but it's forward none the less. Always forward. Each time we trust, each time we put hope in the confusing jumble of emotions and contradictions and beauty that is a human, we take a giant leap forward.  Yes, we are complicated beings. Yes believing in someone is scary and frighting beyond belief, but isn't the chance of what could be worth it? Martin Luther King Jr said "All progress is precarious, the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem". Walter Anderson said "We are never as vulnerable as when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, we cannot find love or joy in our lives". Are not both truth? Every step forward brings about a whole new set of decisions. But, just the same, if we refuse to step forward, and simply stand in one spot, whether because of stubbornness or fear, we will miss out on the chance finding happiness.

It's confusing. In order to find joy, we have to trust. In order to trust we have to be willing to think about what could be and accept the reality that is a unknown future. In order to live in an unknown future, we have to rely on confusing people for stability. It's a messy theory I have. But then again, so are people.

Live LAUGH Learn

I love having a mantra. Some little saying that reminds me of where I am in life. I don't always remember them. I don't always live by them. But none the less they represent me and my crazy journey through life.

As of the past few months my saying has been "life is simple, people are not".  I've given the explanation to so many people, but in short it is this, life, in and of itself, is a simple process. A tree in a forest can live on its own, with no human assistance. Life is simple. A tree will sprout, grow, wither, and die.  Its life has purpose and meaning. People on the other hand enjoy confusing life cycles. They seem to enjoy sticking their noses in other peoples lives. Humans are alive, they have life. However, their life is ENTIRELY different from that of a tree and not just because one is planted in the ground. People take the essence of life, and twist it into a drama and emotion filled theater production where ones life is suddenly the business of everyone else. If we all would mind our own, maybe the drama would begin to settle and the simplicity of the essence of life could shine through.

Recently I have come upon a new life motto. Well, maybe its not necessarily new, and its not going to replace my previous motto, but "Life LAUGH learn" is going to live on a shelf in my brain right next to my other motto's. Live LAUGH learn. It's simple but oh wonderfully so deep. I've had numerous conversations with friends about the order of these words, but the arrangement settled on has living first, laughing second, and learning last. Personally I think that LAUGH can come before or after learn, but that's debatable. Anyway... we all live. If you are reading this, chances are, you're alive. (don't ask me about how you could read this and not be alive, I am to tired to provide a witty answer right now) Part of life is learning life lessons. Learning lessons is the hard part of life. The lessons learned are often quite painful. Sometimes they are entertaining or touching, but more often than not, they hurt like heck. Part of learning these lessons is learning to laugh when they're done and even whilst your learning them. If we let the hard lessons get to us, we will never get out of the mire. Live, begin to laugh in the face of adversity, and learn from your experiences. It will be hard. It will nasty. It might suck. Sometimes you are going to want to cry instead of laugh, and that's OK! But... in the end, you need to be able to laugh. Be able to say that you've moved on. Be better for it, and able to grow.

A scar is a lesson learned. A bruise is a lesson beginning to be learned. They both take time. Scars are good. They remind us of where we were. Eventually, even the deepest of wounds will turn into a scar, and eventually scars will fade and all that will remain will be the memories. I can't guarantee that the wound won't pop open, but give it enough time and it will heal over. We need scars. We need the battle marks to remind us of lessons learned. We humans are notoriously forgetful. If we didn't have those scars, no doubt we would forget vital information. Humans forget a lot. I forget a lot. It's true. I've heard that elephants never forget but seeing as I have no personal acquaintances who are elephants, I will have to trust the validity of this statement to the judgment of others.

I love quotes. I love words. Words are beautiful, painful, sweet, and hard. Words are amazing. Without words  I would be a mime and let me tell you quite plainly... I would be a horrible mime.

Live LAUGH Learn. Live life to the fullest. Laugh at both your mistakes and your victories. Learn from where you were and move forward to new things. Don't dwell in the past whether it be in sweet or painful memories. The future is about tomorrow not yesterday. Living means going forward not back. Step out into the sun or rain with head held high and sights set on the road ahead. Smile, laugh, sing a little tune. And whistle while you work.

Illusive Innocence

If I asked you what the most elusive thing was, how would you respond?  Would you say something about honor and chivalry? The perfect pair of jeans? Would you respond with a serious answer about true happiness and contentment? Elusive things are so darn hard to come by. They are so desirable and we want them oh so badly, but really... what are we going to do about it?

Elusive things are often the things that you can't fully understand until you have mostly lost them. Things that are sometimes easy to recognize, and other times, not so much. The most elusive thing I can think of, is precious to very few. It is looked down upon by the majority of modern society. It is seen as a disadvantage to have this elusive trait. It is seen as a enabler to the excuse prone and as a sign of weakness.

Very few things (if any) are as frowned upon as, wait for it....

                          INNOCENCE!

In one of my favorite plays a rather pretentious but possibly very right, character says "Innocence is like a delicate flower, touch it, and the bloom is gone." When I first heard this quote, I just laughed. It seemed foolish and overly dramatic. However, it is possible that even the craziest of characters has a point. Innocence is fragile. It doesn't last long once exposed. It has to be carefully tended and protected.

Innocence scares people. It reminds them of where they've come from and shows them how far they've gone. I think to some extent we all recognize that innocence is delicate. We are careful with what we say around kids, we are aware of what we say around young people. If we have a religious friend, we are less likely to swear or use sexual innuendos in their presence. We are aware that they represent purity and innocence and it reminds us of our own lack thereof. It's intimidating and fragile. Innocence scares people.

Why is innocence so frowned upon? Why is innocence seen as a sign of immaturity and even as harmful? Why does society think poorly of the innocent?

I love children. I think that I often learn more from children than I do from adults. Thanks to the contributions of children, I now know how to clean up drinkable yogurt that's been mixed with applesauce and paint (I am a stain treating master) and I have perfected my game of go fish. Along with my amazing life skills which are sure to come in handy some day, I have learned about the gift of observation. I have always loved people watching. People aggravate me to no end a fair amount of the time, but they do make wonderful subjects of observation. Adults are fine enough, but kids are especially fascinating and educational. I love their brutally honest assessment of life and people. I love how their innocence brightly shines and how it always ends up rubbing off on me. I love how they can see the world as pure and unadulterated. I love how they are able to see love, trust, honesty, honor, and pride as the pure emotions they were meant to be and not as the empty meaningless words they've become.

Innocence. The most delicate of blooms, the most forbidden fruit, the most precious thing that no one appreciates. The trait that sets children apart, and the lens through which only the gifted get to look. I think I am going to do my very best to be as "gifted" as possible. If it means I get to look through the blessed lens, so be it! Innocent maturity. It's a goal.

Disclaimer:

 I spell badly. My punctuation leaves much to be desired. My words are only meant to make sense in my own head. If they cause confusion in your brain, or pain in your stomach the fault is yours. You choose to read my words. You subjected your self to this. Man up and deal with the consequences. I mean... Pretty Please. ;)